Sae-hae Bok Mah-ni Baht-u-se-yo!

Happy New Year everyone! The above is "Happy New Year" in Korean. The literal translation is "Receive many good fortunes in the new year."

Ask a Korean! will be back on the first week of January. If you got some spare time, shoot the Korean an email.

Watch Out for that Nasty Cold! (and Happy Holidays too.)

Dear Korean,

Why is it that I've always heard Koreans (i.e. my dad and a cousin from Korea or even those Korean celebrities on those random TV shows) end conversations with some variation of "Be careful/Dress warmly/get a flushot so you don't catch a cold." I mean, I haven't heard this kind of cautionary phrase from Americans too often...is this customary among Koreans back in Korea?

Not-So-Cold-in-Cal

Dear Fellow Golden Bear,

Not only are you a Korean, but you are a Golden Bear! You must be one of the finest species that ever walked this earth.

As to your question, your hunch is right; it's just an expression. Think of it as a seasonal good-bye, like some beer companies make seasonal brew. (Times like this the Korean wishes he had some contacts in the market, since right there would be a nice product placement. Free beer for the Korean!) During winter, instead of saying Annyong, you can say gam gi jo sim hae. ("Watch out for cold," as in don't catch a cold.) What's really funny is that even Koreans in Los Angeles say the same thing during winter, although it never falls below 50 degrees in LA.

Koreans have a lot of great expressions and the Korean will share them as we move along. Just among the greetings, the Korean's favorite is siksa ha sheot so yo? ("Have you eaten?", a shout out to the good old days when most Koreans did not eat every day -- but you're not supposed to say "no.") Another very common way of saying good-bye is sugo ha sip si yo. ("Work hard" or "carry on." Used only when you are speaking to someone on duty, like a policeman on the street, or maybe a prostitute.)

Since this is going to the last post before Christmas, the Korean feels like an explanation about Christmas in Korea is necessary. Obviously, Christmas is not a native holiday to Korea, but thanks to the American influence over the world as well as the relentless marketing machine that operates upon gift-giving, Christmas is widely celebrated in Korea. But instead of being a nice family affair as it is in America, Christmas basically is the second Valentine's Day in Korea. (It makes sense, because Koreans have their own family-centered holidays like New Year's Day and Chusok.) Happy couples walk around brightly lit streets and exchange gifts, while singles hide somewhere and drown their sorrows.

And with that, the Korean wishes every one Happy Holidays! The Korean will visit the Korean Family back in Los Angeles, and the Korean Family will take a ski trip to Colorado. It will be exciting. The Korean will try to update the blog next Friday, but no guarantees. Thank you every one for supporting this modest blog, and keep on sending in questions! If yours hasn't been up yet, don't give up! The Korean is trying his best to get all the answers out chronologically, unless there is a pressing theme that the Korean wants to address. So all the answers will come sooner or later.

And here's the Korean's gift for everyone (the Korean took it himself; it's Union Square in San Francisco, in December 2002):

Reason Why Life as a Minority is Difficult, No. 5098

(Note: If you're curious about the sudden deluge of posts, it's because 1. nice people like you guys keep on sending questions, and 2. the Korean is in his finals period, and he doesn't want to study. Keep them coming!)

Dear Korean,

Why do Korean and other Asian business owners seem to guard their individual parking spots like Ninjas? There is usually a crummy sign that says "liquor store only".

Unsigned.

Dear Korean,

Last year, my neighbor of 30 years sold his house to a Korean couple. They've come to the house maybe 10 times and had a contractor pour a new concrete slab in the basement. The contractor also tore half of the roof off and left it that way, even in the rain. Is it traditional for Koreans to buy a home that is OK to live in and not move in? Is that new basement where they brew the Kim-Chi? What are the words to the "Welcome to the Neighborhood" song in Korean and when is it a good time to sing them?

So Many Questions-Too Little Information
*Hollywood, CA*

Dear Anonymous-Liquor-Shop-Frequenting Coward and Many-Questions from Hollywood,

You might wonder why these two emails are put up together. It's because they have something in common. Guess what it is. I'll give you 10 seconds.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Time's up.

Answer: They both see a curious behavior by person(s) of a certain race, and they are trying to figure out some race- or culture-based explanation.

There are many reasons why life as a minority in the U.S. (or anywhere else in the world for that matter) is difficult, and this is one of them. Whenever a minority individual displays an odd behavior, the first thing that jumps to a non-minority person's mind is "I wonder what it is about his culture that makes him do that," rather than thinking "well, that's just a weird guy."

Of course this difficulty is hardly life-threatening to minorities (given that lynching was very popular in the good old days), but it sure is highly annoying. It's annoying because it shows that you are still looking at the color of the skin first. It's annoying because one weird guy can bring down the reputation of an entire race/ethnicity. Worst of all, it's so fucking annoying that I have to care about what that weird guy does so that he doesn't bring down the reputation of my ethnicity.

Remember William Hung, the short, ugly Chinese dude who had 15 seconds of fame for singing and dancing horribly on American Idol? The Korean would not have to give a shit if he were any other race. But because he's an Asian, the Korean cannot help but watch him and see what other stupid shit he would pull, because the Korean KNOWS that there will be many idiots around the country who are thinking, "Gee, he's really stupid and ugly, but maybe it's an Asian thing."

Put another way, it's unfair and tiresome for one to be a representative of one's race all the time. And it's frustrating to see another one of your race failing at that representative function, which would not even be assigned to that moron if people learned to look beyond a person's race!

Drunken Coward, has it ever occurred to you that it would hurt the business if a customer came to the store and couldn't find a parking spot right away? Or that it would be really annoying for the owner/employees to find a parking spot far away from the store every day? Questions from Hollywood, the Korean has no idea why your Korean neighbors did what they did with the house. Maybe they were trying to renovate it, then ran into a financial trouble or something. What kind of culture would possibly condone leaving such a massive economic asset unexploited and in disrepair?

There are many things that people don't understand about other people, and cultural differences can explain some of them. That's what this site is for. But dear readers, whenever you observe an oddity by a minority, please use give it a little thought and see if you can find a non-cultural reason for it. If you are stumped, please ask the Korean, but at least take a guess.

More relevant questions will be coming later.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

You're not a Man until You Survived Military

Dear Korean,

Why is it that every time I see a Korean at the rifle range he has at least one assault rifle? Is there some sort of rule that if a Korean owns a gun it has to be an AK-47?

Unsigned

Dear Anonymous Coward,

The Korean is one of those people who think the 2nd Amendment became obsolete when the U.S. government began to own tanks and fighter jets. So naturally the Korean does not have much experience in guns; the Korean fired a gun only in one occasion, at the LAPD Police Academy. But that's another story.

Here's a guess: (almost) all Korean men have been through the military, and that experience makes them more familiar with assault rifles rather than puny handguns.

You cannot talk about how Korean men are without talking about their military experience. Currently, standard length of the military draft in Korea is 2 years and 4 months. If one is assigned at a non-combat position (i.e. JAG officer, medics, secretarial duties, etc.,) the length is 3 years. I can try to explain what the usual military experience entails, but I'll let the following picture do the talking.

I'm sure you get the idea. (That pose is called Wonsan pok-gyok, which translates to "bombing of Wonsan." Wonsan is a port city in North Korea. This punishment is applied liberally for various causes, such as being slow in marching, losing a soccer game, or overcooking sarge's ramen.)

Having been through this experience for more than 2 years, post-military Korean men become completely insufferable. Imagine your most insufferable Red Sox fan (pre-World Series win) bitching about his misery and multiply by 100, that's your typical Korean man. I have had the worst experience! My ssibal ("fucking") sarge made me eat food out of a trash can! I ran 10 miles a day wearing full gear every day! Of course, attendant to the horror stories are their own stories of heroics. I may be out of shape now, but I was fucking fast when I was in the military. I was the striker for our platoon soccer team, and I once caught a wild boar with my bare hands! Put some Korean men together with some booze, and goondae ("military") will be ALL they will talk about. (All the stories above are the real ones that the Korean heard with his own ears.)

Do you have a good goondae story? The Korean would absolutely love to hear it. If you send in a good one, it will be posted.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Special Two-Question Edition

Dear Korean,

A while back I helped a Korean get elected to public office. His Korean supporters were constantly amazed that a normal white dude would be willing to help him. Any thoughts on the older folks and their white worship? What gives? These were all wealthy successful businessmen who ostensibly bought into the bullshit American dream story - why'd they care so much that a white guy would help (read: be paid to) get one of their own elected?

Spicy BBQ

Dear Can't-be-All-that-Spicy-if-You're-White BBQ,

Why the white worship? Two words: Korean War. In the minds of the generation of people who went through the Korean War, the fact that Americans (which is equivalent to white people) saved them from the incoming bbal-geng-i ("commies") never, NEVER leaves their mind. You have to keep in mind how primitive Korea was at that stage, when the older folks were mere children. (At 1953 when the Korean War ended, Korea was poorer than such economic powerhouses as Paraguay, Ethiopia, and Nigeria. Per capital GDP? Around $35.) In their minds, white people saved them and brought Korea to modernity. Even to this day, the only thing that a homeless man in the streets of LA has to say is "I fought in the Korean War" for the Korean Mother to hand him a $20 bill. In the minds of older Korean folks (especially those who came to America), white people were elevated to the all-knowing, all-powerful demi-god status, and it would indeed be a shock if one of such demi-gods lowered himself to help out the primitive and backwards Korean people.

This white worship, by the way, led older generation Korean Americans to emulate the white people and try to out-white the white people in all aspects. One of the results of such effort is that older Korean Americans are probably the most racist people in America. But more on that later.

-EDIT: Dec. 17, 2006, 2:30 a.m.- It just occurred to the Korean that the Korean War was the first time when racially integrated U.S. troops were deployed. But black soldiers in Korea were relatively few, and it was not enough to overcome Korean people's strong prejudice against them which would develop later. But that's a topic for another day.

Dear Korean,

Hi! I want to know why so many older Koreans refuse to learn english? My mother-in-law is very sweet but my husband and I can't talk to her unless one of his 6 sisters or brother are around to translate. What is the deal? Is she just saying that, but really knows what's going on?

Confused Whitey

Dear Pale Beast of Burden,

In the words of Chris Rock, the Korean will not hit you, but will shake you real hard and scream, "what the hell is wrong with you woman???!!!" No one refuses to learn English, like no one refuses to become a millionnaire.

But if the Korean ended at that, you would not understand why. So I will try to calm down and go through the reasons one by one.

1. Learning a second language is HARDER THAN ALMOST EVERYTHING.

Let me put this in numbers. In any language, people generally use roughly 6,000 different words and idioms/expressions to carry everyday conversations. If you want to read a newspaper, you have to at least know about 10,000 different words/expressions. (A medium-sized dictionary contains about 100,000 words.) Have you ever memorized 10,000 different things in your life? Even 6,000 different things? And then you have to arrange them in the right order (the order that you are not used to) to make sense.

All of this comes so easily and naturally when you are young, so most people take language learning for granted. (Before 10 months and 16 months old, a child usually learns about 50 words a month. Try doing that if you have spare time.) But it is, in fact, extremely difficult to do, especially if a person is advanced in age and has to work all day, as immigrants have to do (since, obviously, Americans won't do it.) In the room that the Korean used to use in LA, there are dozens of boxes full of flash cards with vocabularies written on them. There are about 8,000 cards in all. The Korean was 16, still young, and had nothing to do after school. It took 5 hours a day, every day, for a year. And it was the most difficult thing that the Korean ever had to do in his whole life.

2. You always sound stupid in the second language.

Again, language comes so easily when you are younger. Even a 7-year-old can construct a sentence in a flash. But if you tried to construct a sentence in a foreign language when you are past 20, you would be slow, and often wrong. And you know you are slow and wrong, and you see the listener getting frustrated. And you know perfectly well that this is something that a 7-year-old child can do, but you can't fucking do it. It's humiliating. Do you think a Korean mother-in-law will risk appearing stupid to her daughter-in-law? Not a chance.

3. The silent period.

Despite all this, I'm pretty sure that your mother-in-law understands more than she lets on. The linguists have something called "the silent period," where a child becomes quiet before she becomes a total chatter box. Under natural development, this occurs between age 2 and 3, when a child acquired around 2,000 words. This process has been known to happen for second-language learners as well. It basically happens because a person during the silent period would understand about 1/3 of what he hears, which is not quite enough to form a response to.

Whitey, the Korean is certain that you had no ill intention when you asked that question. But whenever people ask "Why don't immigrants just learn English?" (like this idiot,) it just INFURIATES the Korean because the Korean personally knows how difficult it is. So please be nice to your mother-in-law, although I am sure you are nice to her already. And for crying out loud, just learn some Korean. You are younger, and she outranks you.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Our First Fan Mail!

It's a truly momentous occasion in Ask A Korean! history. The Korean received a fan mail without any question attached to it! Here it is:

Dear Korean,

As an American girl married to a Korean boy (raised in Korea until age 14), I absolutely LOVE your blogspot! According to my husband, he's finished a major study in relation to amount of mean-ness vs. body mass. Apparently the Korean woman is only second to the wolverine! :D From what I hear from other ajumah I have met, this is most likely so...but I'm blessed with probably the only wonderful Korean Mother-in-law in the world.... honest!

Anyong!

Cordelia

Thank you Cordelia, your support is very much appreciated. Next time, however, please include the citation for that wonderful study done by your husband! The Korean cannot wait to read it. And your mother-in-law is wonderful? Have you also tried your luck in lottery tickets?

The prize for the first fan mail ever was going to be some spicy Korean lovin', but I see you're already getting plenty from your husband. Still, if you are ever in the New York area, drop a line to the Korean and we will arrange something. Hopefully the Korean Girlfriend won't be looking.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Mexican Asks the Korean

Dear Korean,

Why do Koreans repeat "Annyong Haseo!" when someone greets them with "Annyong Haseo!" Isn't it redundant? And how does the meaning change?

Salsa, the Mexican Brother of Kimchi

Dear Salsa,

The Korean would like to tell the readers that you are Gustavo Arellano, columnist for OC Weekly who is known for writing the insightful and hilarious !Ask A Mexican! If it was not obvious so far, Ask A Korean was directly inspired by the Mexican's work. Click the link to !Ask A Mexican! on the right and check it out yourselves. Welcome to the show, Mexican.

As to the question - don't gabachos say "hello!" to "hello!" as well? That's kinda redundant too, ?que no? But I can see where you're coming from. Every time I say "!Buenos dias!" to a Mec-jahk (derogatory Korean term for Mexicans; could be just an LA Korean American thing,) they always reply "Pinche chino."

(If you don't get that, go to !Ask A Mexican! and check out the glossary.)

"Annyong Haseo" is actually a question - it literally translates into "Are you well?" Let me ask you this, Mexican: don't you hate it when you have to perfunctorily say "I'm good" before you can ask back "How are you?", while fully knowing that the answer would be also "I'm well"? If you had noticed, Koreans did not rise from the ashes of the Korean War into the shining star of Asia for no reason. Korean folks are efficient people; they realized the inefficiency of saying the answer to "are you well?", so they just stopped saying it. The meaning does not change when the question is repeated.

It gets better. Koreans say "Annyong Haseo" only when they wish to be polite, usually toward an older person. When Koreans greet their peer, they simply say "Annyong," and the reply is also "Annyong." Again, this is a question - "Good?" "Good?" How efficient is that?

In Korean the polite form of "Good bye" is "Annyong-hee Gaseo." ("Go well.") The informal form is, again, "Annyong." So often Koreans will say "Annyong" twice whenever they meet; once to greet, once to say bye. And only the inefficient crackers will find that confusing. That's why Asian cars are kicking American cars' ass around the block.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Quick Announcement

In an attempt to have some semblance of professionalism, Ask A Korean! will be updated every Friday morning, at least. There may be periodic updates, depending on the Korean's schedule.

Ask A Korean! News: A Competitor????!!!!!

It has been brought to the Korean's attention that there is a competitor to this blog, and it indeed is a formidable one. Take a look.

Every post is simply brilliant, so here is a short example:

Posted November 12, 2006 (Juche 95)

Dear Mr. B,

Living under the Imperialist American Regime has wreaked havoc on my follicles!! Where does Dear Leader get his amazing hairdo?

With respect,

Tori S.

Dear Tori

We are so sorry to hear how much you suffer under the imperialist regime. We hope one day you will be set free like a flock of doves.Regarding our dear leader's amazing sense of style, he has his own official hairstylist. His name is Chon Hoon-Dae, and he has been dressing dear leader's hair since 1982. We are not too sure who had done his hair before that, but this is the man responsible for making dear leader glow like a shining light to all mankind.

Han See-Na

Citizen of Pyongyang


Man, how the hell am I supposed to compete with this? I think I am gonna send an email too...

Dear Pyongyang Citizen,

My name is The Korean, and I am the host of a very popular blog called Ask A Korean! Here is my blog - http://askakorean.blogspot.com. I am sure you won't be able to see my blog immdeiately since the imperialist America is blocking your Internet access to the world, but I am certain that your friend in the west who runs your website can tell you that both your website and my blog work for the same purpose -- enlightening the world of beautiful and brilliant Korean people.

However, I regret to tell you that I, the Korean, oppressed in thoughts and imagination by the imperialist American education, cannot even begin to match your comedic genius. There is simply no way. You are inspired by the shining light to the world that is Dear Leader and I am but a bug, blinded by being in His presence. I once heard that Dear Leader lost his virginity before his father, the Great Leader, did. Is that true? All I ever wanted to do was to give people a few laughs while they learn something about the glorious Korean people, but now I realize I am as inadequate as the South Korean economy, which may have given you the rice you are eating but could not make you as happy as Dear Leader.

How could I learn the style of great prose that you employ? I tried reading the work of the Great Leader, available freely at the library of my university, but his divine comedic genius was such that I could not read more than a sentence before bursting out belly laughs that last for hours. How do I resist the urge to laugh, and make people laugh instead?

I will be looking forward to your response. Now I must go and clean my refrigerator of my leftovers. If you are wondering, leftover is something one has when one has too much food. It's a shameful occurrence that I am sure hardly occurs in beautiful North Korea, but it happens quite frequently in the oppressed city of New York.

Sincerely,

The Korean

Fingers crossed for a response!

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Million Dollar Question

Dear Korean,

Why do Korean men beat their wives, and can I get any hints on how I canbeat my wife like a Korean?

Married in Manhattan

First, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. The Korean went home to L.A. with the Korean Girlfriend. I am proud to say that the Korean Family went so mainstream that not only do have turkey, but we actually have the entire Thanksgiving meal catered. But onto the question.

Dear Married,

Why do Korean men beat their wives?

Because the Korean wives never listen. (Rimshot.)

Okay, let's try that again. Why do Korean men beat their wives?

If you ever visit Korea, you will be amazed at how everyone looks and dresses the same. There is simply no question that the Korean people are very sensitive to trends. Nothing makes a Korean more insecure than being different from others because, well, being different is the mark that says "Please kill me next time Korea is invaded." (See the post Koreans: More Homogenized than Milk for details.) A few years ago during winter, duffle coats became really popular in Korea, and EVERY woman wore a duffle coat, although it's a coat only meant for the lean and tall. Walking down the streets of Seoul, the Korean cracked up every minute looking at the bouncy sponge balls that occupied the city. It was like Futurama episode when the Earth was invaded by bouncy balls.

What the hell does this have to do with wife beating? Well, wife beating is a worldwide trend, and the trendy Koreans are simply following the trend. We in America have now moved onto thinking that wife beating is a cowardly shit that endows a social stigma a little weaker than racism and a little stronger than drunk driving. But it was not even 20 years ago when Battered Wife Syndrome was considered to be a hocus pocus. Social trends, like fashion trends, need to run their course, and Korea is coming around to accepting that wife beating is a cowardly shit as well.

But another question is, why are Korean men singled out as wife beaters? The Korean's hunch is that it's because Korean men are compared to Chinese and Japanese men. It is well-chronicled that Chinese men are traditionally their women's bitches. (Chinese men cook and everything!) Japanese men used to have some balls, but they were neutered in the process of getting rich. That only left Korean men to carry the torch in the region.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimpin' Korean

Dear Korean,

I have met many Koreans who are originally from Korea, as well as many who were born in the United States. Why does it seem like the Koreans born in the United States are overwhelmingly likely to turn into hard-thuggin' gangsta wannabes, even if they grow up in nice neighborhoods?

Mike

Dear Mike,

Honestly, I met more hard-thuggin' gangsta wannabe white kids from nice neighborhoods than Koreans. But yes, I do agree that proportionally, there is a greater proportion of KA kids who thug out KP ("Korean Pride.") Why is that?

The currently going theory starts from the fact that one way for the mainstream society to weaken the minorities is to depict them as strange and dumb, or--to combine strange and dumb together--feminine. This phenomenon happened consistently with each of the minority races in the U.S. If you look at the Jim Crow arts from the early 20th century, you would notice that denigrating depiction of a black woman is pretty rare. Women are not really denigrated because, well, they're really never a threat. (So Rosa Parks was doubly upsetting to the racists. She's awesome.)

It's a very curious phenomenon that occurs even to this day: it's always, ALWAYS a minority woman who becomes the first one to appear in mainstream TV shows or movies. (Unfortunately, the first Korean woman was Margaret Cho. Not that I don't like her, but it would have been nicer if it were Yunjin Kim.) The Korean's favorite example: the "yellow" Power Ranger from 1994.

Of course black folks are the ones who had to endure this shit for the longest, so they were the first to come up with the solution to this: ridiculously crazy overcompensation! So they grab their biggest guns and their overrated testicles to show the world "we got some black MEN here, crackas!!" All the black rappers' lines about being killahs, soldiers, wariers, or backhand-slappin' pimps are basically this. And they made a fortune out of it! Black people are great.

What KAs (and all Asian American males, for that matter) suffer through is not all that different. Name me one, just fucking ONE unquestionably manly Asian actor that would make you go "damn, that's a real man who throws it DOWN and gets ALL the bitches!" (Note: as much as I love them, martial artists don't count. They really fall into that "strange" category among the strange, the dumb, or the feminine. This might have changed if Bruce Lee lived longer. What a tragedy.) As a Korean man, all you ever are on TV is some castrated male while your women are snapped up by honkies. Wouldn't that make you want to scream "thug life!" and empty the clip? Don't be lookin' fo' me, the Korean is out to get some guns. (Or a machine gun-firing sentry robot. See the post below.)

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Hellllll Yeahhhhhh

Samsung, the fantastic Korean electronics company that sells out-of-style cell phones to unwitting American buyers, developed a thing that can be described by no other word than AWESOME: a sentry robot that fires machine gun.

Koreans: More Homogenized Than Milk

(Note: This question has been edited for length. Yes, it was longer. MUCH longer.)

Dear Korean,

I'm Korean-American. Why do Koreans try to fix things even though it is not their decision? For example: I don't go to church and devout church-going Koreans would try to make me go despite my repeated statements that I do not believe in their religion and you should respect my set of beliefs. I don't play videogames, gamble, drink lots of alcohol, smoke cigs (I smoke cigars once in awhile), go to parties/raves, or have celebrity-obsession worshipping like a lot of Koreans and KAs I know. I prefer to do other things in life such as snowboard and shoot guns. Even if I'm planning an event like going on a road trip, Koreans crap their pants saying "you can't do that."

Koreans say the same thing when I do something supposedly amazing even though it's done so regularly by regular Americans. I bought a car, got insurance for it, and did the registration all by myself and a Korean guy asked me "wow, your parents bought you a car? that's cool." My response is "I bought it myself"and he doesn't believe me at all. Same responses for buying a gun, go skiing, go to a foreign country alone, cook for myself, live by myself, etc.

As a lifelong bachelor by choice, I'm subjected to numerous women trying to "fix me" that I should be married to a nice Korean woman to take care of me. Haha, sorry but yours truly doesn't believe in marriage, since I'm a firm believer in the marriage strike thanks to the ugly divorce laws and high divorce rates in the western world, including Japan and Korea. Women still try to get me into Korean girls even to a point I was infatuated with other foreign women and not Asians.

Any answers to this "korean drama/dilemna" and what I can do to minimalize the damage?

ColdHammer

Dear Mangchi ("hammer"),

How dare you think that your business is none of other people's business? As a Korean, you have no privacy. None. Zero. Give it up.

In all seriousness though, the Korean empathizes with you completely. At times the Korean is completely sick of those Korean tendencies to be EXTREMELY nosy. But first, take this to heart, because apprently you're from Idaho (edit: Nov. 16 6:25 p.m., sorry, apparently you're from upstate New York. As far as I'm concerned, if it's not LA or NYC, they're all about the same): I have met many Korean Americans whose views on Koreans were really skewed because they hail from the parts of America that don't have too many Koreans. Not only is there a sample size error, but the nosy tendencies of Koreans exponentially increase when they are in a small, confined space. You know how Hippos kill each other if they are captive in too small of a space? Koreans won't quite kill each other, but you would wish they would.

So why are Koreans so nosy and try to fix things? Blame it on their history. During the 4000 years of Korean history, only 10 percent of the time Korea was NOT under some sort of invasion, usually from China or Japan. Consequently, Koreans became extremely defensive to their ways of life; anyone who is different from the Korean way is probably looking to kill the men and steal the women. So be comforted that at least those nosy Koreans have good intentions. When they are invaded again, they want to make sure that you are not the one to kill. If you look like a Korean but act differently, it's confusing the hell out of other Koreans.

If you think what I'm saying is a bunch of gura ("lies", a Korean slang,) ask your nearby Jewish or Italian friends how nosy and meddling their people are. You'll be surprised how similar the experience is. People who are constantly under attack are all the same.

What can you do about it? Meet some Koreans who are not from your area. Once outside of small confines, there is a pretty good diversity among Koreans, especially in Los Angeles or New York. The Korean himself learned to ride a motorcycle, bought one, registered and insured it all by himself. The Korean also loves skiing, lives and cooks by himself, and has been to foreign countries by himself a number of times; many of the Korean's Korean friends have done the same. As to those nosy Koreans, do what every Korean secretly does: smile, nod, and make up excuses not to do things that they suggest.

So you don't drink a lot? Blasphemy! A box of soju is on the way to fix that problem.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Portrait of Mail-Order Brides

First, a call for help. The Korean is somewhat discouraged by the slow flow of questions. Send in questions! Tell your friends! Thank you so much :)

Remember in one of the last Ask A Korean! News that I would talk more about the mail-order brides? Well here it is. Below is some excerpt from the report by Presidential Advisory Committee on Correcting Wealth Gap and Discrminiation, titled "International Marriage Brokerage System: Field Study at Vietnam".

At 2004, 11.4 percent of all marriages in Korea were between a Korean and a non-Korean. The number is as high as 27 percent in rural areas. Vietnamese women are a major subject of such marriages between Korean men and foreign women.

Usually Korean men are flown out to Vietnam for as long as 7 days or as short as 3 days, during which meeting, wedding, and honeymoon all take place. Korean men meet as few as 20~30 women or as many as 200~300 women per meeting. Between 5 to 10 Vietnamese women file into a room, the Korean man picks one among them, and the process is repeated for second and third round until one is chosen. Only at the last stage the man learns the age, edcuation, home town, family members, occupation, height, weight of the woman; the woman learns the man's occupation, economic standing and marriage history.

One Korean man who went through the process said: "it was very difficult to choose one among so many women after seeing them just for a moment. I was so nervous and no one really stood out. I was so hesitating that the marriage broker just picked one for me."

From the woman's side, it is virtually impossible to reject the marriage since being chosen already entails stiff competition; if she ever rejects, the "brokers" disadvantage her by never arranging her to meet another man. She also has to risk false information from the man's side about his occupation, etc. One woman recounted being told that her husband was a machinist earning $2,000 a month, only to find out that he was a daily laborer at a construction site when she came to Korea.

It is illegal in Vietnam to broker marriage for profit. Therefore this entire process is done underground. Smaller operations have around 15~30 women, and larger ones have 60~100 women. The women who are recruited are mostly from the southern, rural parts of Vietnam and generally are 19 to 25 year old primary school graduates. All women live together in a dormitory run by the broker. The women are charged with the cost of the dormitory, to be paid by their future husbands. The meeting takes place the day after the Korean man arrives Vietnam; the women (again, as many as 300 of them) are transported very early morning to avoid police detection. However, if the police ever catches them, it is their individual responsibility to run as best as she can, since the broker will assume no responsibility.

Officially the whole process costs around $10,000 (the Korean said in the earlier post that the cost was around $2,000. The Korean apologizes to the disappointed prospective buyers) for a Korean man to take a Vietnamese woman. The Korean brokerage company takes $6,500 and the rest goes to the Vietnamese brokers. Usually the Korean man gives to the bride's parents $500 as a dowery. But after taking out brokerage fee and so on, the actual amount that goes to the parents is about $180.

It takes 2~3 months for the women to obtain the entry visa for Korea. During that time the women learn Korean language, cooking Korean food and Korean manners. The cost of those lessons are again charged on the women.

Once the Vietnamese women come to Korea, they often suffer from domestic violence and jealous husbands who fear that they would run away. One woman said "As soon as I arrived at Korea my husband took away my passport and choked me. I am so afraid of him." Another woman said "I was hit by my husband three days after I entered the country. He demanded sex after coming home drunk; when I refused, he hit me in the face, pulled my hair and spat on my face."

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Korean Men Will Drink Anything with Alcohol

Dear Korean,

Why do Korean men love scotch so much? Why not vodka or beer?

- Unsigned

Dear Anonymous Coward,

What you have to realize is that Korean men will drink piss and sewage water as long as there is alcohol in it. So that might be a clue as to why Koreans love scotch - because it's the only liquor they have.

Of course it's not true anymore, but back in the day (around 70s~80s), Korea had three kinds of liquor: scotch, soju, and beer. Soju is dirt cheap, and fucks you up fast (around 25% back in the day, now around 20~21% alcohol.) Beer is great, but it's expensive and doesn't get you drunk fast enough while making you feel full. So scotch is an alternative to soju really; you get fucked up quick, plus you feel like a big shot spending a lot of money. Vodka was not available in Korea because it would have had to come from Russia or other communist countries and, well, there are still many South Koreans who would love to torture you for information just for stepping a foot in Prague. (The Korean Father told the Korean before his European backpacking trip that the Korean should look out for communist kidnappers - true story.)

As an aside, this trajectory of loving scotch happened earlier in Japan as well. Johnny Walker made a fortunate by coming up with the new "labels" that are inordinately expensive without the attendant increase in quality. Johnny Blue is specifically tailored toward Asian consumers who really don't know any better - in the Korean's opinion, it is only marginally better than the Black. The Korean likes scotch, but prefers single malt. Lagavulin 16 years is the Korean's favorite.

(The picture came from a result of Google image search for: worst whiskey ever. Apparently it's a single malt produced from Goa, India. The link that talks about it is rather funny: http://www.celticmalts.com/journal-c4.htm)

Ask A Korean! News: Koreans, the Most Evolved Humans

The Korean has long been aware of his people's prowess in the gaming world, and its effects in preventing our handsome men getting laid. But, as it turns out, those brilliant Korean virgins were not taking themselves out of the gene pool; rather, they have been investing their time evolving themselves so that they make a lasting contribution to the said gene pool.

Too much old kimchi? Hear me out. National Geographic (as reported by Dong-A Ilbo) aired a documentary called World Cyber Games, in which they observed a pro gamer compared to a civilian. In playing a game, a civilian operated the keyboard/mouse roughly 100 times a minute. Mr. Seo Jihoon, the pro gamer, operated them around 370 times a minute.

(An aside: pro gamers in Korea earn as much as 200 million won, or $200,000 a year. You just feel richer being a Korean.)

Even better is the comparison of CT scan of the two people's brains. Look at the picture above first. The civilian only relies on the frontal lobe of his brain, whereas Mr. Seo uses his frontal lobe as well as his temporal lobe. Frontal lobe controls your vision; temporal lobe controls muscle memory and intuitions. In other words, Mr. Seo goes beyond his vision to play his games - he uses a whole other part of his brain! Amazing.

So next time when your Korean friend kicks your ass in Starcraft, don't be mad - you're just evolutionarily inferior. It's the natural way.

Yellow Fever Sold Here

Dear Korean,

I'm a non-Korean woman who has been involved with a Korean man for quite a few years. Due to financial burdens suffered by his family, my beau will be living with his parents until he has helped them pay off their house. While his father has taken no issue with my ethnicity (and even seems rather enthusiastic about me), his mother refuses to acknowledge me. I'm unceasingly polite to her. I smile and bow and greet her with a single-semester's worth of Korean vocabulary whenever I pick her son up for a date, but alas, she sours at the sight of me. So my question is simple- what does a girl have to do to get a smile from an ajumma?

Regards,

Whitey Mcflighty

Dear Yellow Fever,

It's not just any ajumma (a lovely Korean word signifying generic middle-aged women; calling a young lady this is a good way to get your face slapped) you're talking about: it's a possible in-law. I don't care what you think about the marriage prospect of your beau, who must be an exceedingly handsome man as all Korean men are. Any woman who befriends her son is a son-thief in the eyes of a Korean mother, who will protect her son like Homer Simpson protects his last donut.

In fact, the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law conflict is so prevalent in Korea that Koreans have one word to describe it. (Pronounce it if you can, Whitey: Go-bu-gal-deung. Don't say it to your ajumma though. It would only piss her off more.) Historically, Korean sons live with their parents and bring the wives in. The wives naturally piss off their mothers-in-law because (1) they take away the attention of the sons and (2) being new to the kitchen, they make lousy cooks/servants.

Korean Americans make things more complicated because usually the first generation sacrificed everything (seriously) to make something out of their spawn, I mean sons. (Daughters too, to some extent, but they don't count as much.) The sons are the crown jewel of the family and they're not going to just anyone, especially not to some pasty hussy who looks like she will trip over herself trying to do jeol (a deep bow, on your knees.)

So are you doomed? Kinda. But take comfort in the fact that there are extremely few girlfriends/wives of Korean men who don't piss off their boyfriend's mother/mother-in-law. If you can handle it, try to be a good Korean woman and help your beau's mother out in the kitchen. Show your willingness to be a beast of burden. Try to include yourself in the family functions if at all possible. But again, no guarantees. The Korean Mother did all that and it only took her about 10 years before the Korean Grandmother was no longer mean to her. Took another 10 years for her to be nice. Brace yourself.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: The (Literally) Growing Race Problem in Korea

Ask a Korean! News will be different from any Korean news you can get from the U.S. It will pick up some news that Korean newspapers reported that the Korean thinks to be significant. Here is the first of the series.

I know all Asians look alike. They kinda do. But surely the most ignorant reader of this thing can probably tell the difference between East Asians (Korean, Japanese, Chinese), Southeast Asians (Vietnamese, Thai, Filipino) and South Asians (Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi). With that in mind, check the above picture of adorable Korean children.

"Wait, what?! Those three in the middle are clearly not Korean at all! Do you mock my Asian-differentiating skills, the Korean?" would be the reaction of... (surprise) Koreans who live in Korea. And there begins this discussion.

Korea has always been a homogeneous country, and race relation was never much of a problem since, well, you need two races to fight each other. (Not to say Koreans were a peaceful lot. Oh no. They fought amongst themselves for other stupid reasons, like being from the eastern regions versus the western ones. But that's for another day.) A few times when Korea ever had foreign races on the peninsula, those foreign races usually tried to take over the country. Hence Korean people have a strong xenophobic streak.

Fast forward to early 1990s. Korea is now fully industrialized, and has been pretty well off for quite some time. Most people have migrated to the city for jobs and excitement, and the rural areas have become emptier and emptier until only old people, their first born sons, and cattle are left. The firstborns can't leave the family farm, so they're stuck. Problem is, they gotta get married and continue the family line. But no Korean women in their right minds would stick around the farms. So what to do?

Enter: the time-honored tradition of mail-order brides! Fine ladies from modest backgrounds in Vietnam, Philippines, and Thailand, for about $2,000, are shipped out to Korea for the sole purpose of marrying these dudes, having fed the bullshit that farmers are among the highest-earning, most respected professions in Korea. More and more came each year until one-third of all married men in the rural area are married to a foreign-born woman, according to a recent report. Amazing, isn't it?

(True story: when traveling around rural parts of Korea, the Korean saw advertisement that proclaimed "You don't have to pay until you're satisfied!" So if the mail-orderer was not satisfied, he can ship the lady back! I wonder if it's like a computer software, where you can't return it anymore if you took off the shrinkwrap. Okay, that's just disgusting. Let's move on.)

The fuckedupness of this situation has many levels. Domestic violence is a big problem, and so is unilateral divorce or abandonment. Still another is what to do with the "Kosian" children. (Korean + Asian, the terms Koreans use nowadays, as if Koreans are not Asian!) Since the phenomenon of mail-order bride began about 15 years ago, there are now enough interracial children to make up as much as half of the children going to school.

I don't want even to imagine what these children would go through as they grow up. As bad as race relations is in America, it still is the best in the world. Unless Koreans do something to radically change their attitude toward foreignors and interracial people (unlikely), wide-scale race riots a la Los Angeles or Paris in about 20 years is a virtual certainty.

Our First Question!

Dear Korean,

why are Korean men such awesome pool players?

Jeff C., New York.



Jeff,

You submitted the first question ever to the Korean! A special prize (a jar of extra-aged kimchi) is on your way.

Korean men on average do excel at pool (but not the Korean, who is merely average.) And it's for the same reason why Chinese people excel at ping pong - it's a game where you can play in a limited space. Most Koreans in the U.S. are from Seoul, and Seoul is really a big fucking city, with about 20 million people in the metro area. The city is crowded and congested everywhere, and the forms of entertainment that don't require much space developed very well. (Starcraft at the nearest PC Bang, anyone?)

Speaking of pool, Korean people traditionally (and by "traditionally", I mean since 40 years ago or so, when Korea was modern enough to have any sort of organized entertainment,) play "straight carom billiard". Korean people probably won't understand you if you said "straight carom"; they would know it as "sa-gu", meaning "four balls." (Or Lance Armstrong times 4.) This involves having the aforementioned four balls on the table without any pocket, two red and two white (cue) balls. Each player owns each cue ball, and they get a point each time their cue ball makes contact with both of the red balls. But since about 15 years ago, 8-ball pocket pool became more popular, and a pool hall in Korea or K-town typically have both. Sa-gu is more difficult and sophisticated since it involves a lot of non-linear movement and projection of movement after impact. Plus it deals with bigger balls, which is the representation of what Korean men are all about.

Welcome to Ask A Korean!

Today is Saturday, October 21, 2006. And today will be the birthday of this blog, Ask A Korean. This blog is inspired by Ask A Mexican (take a sample: http://www.ocweekly.com/columns/ask-a-mexican/ask-a-mexican/25980/) written by Gustavo Arrellano for the OC Weekly.

In other words, I plan to answer any question you might have about the Korean people, both Korean American and Koreans in the old country. And by "any question", I mean ANY QUESTION. Ever had a question about why Korean women are so terrible in driving? Ask me. Ever wondered why Korean men beat their wives? Ask me. Ever wondered why your Korean parents would not take the plastic cover off their mattresses? Just ask me. No judgments, no screenings, and certainly no holds barred.

Send your emails to AskAKorean@hotmail.com. Looking forward to your comments!

-the Korean.