The Million Dollar Question

Dear Korean,

Why do Korean men beat their wives, and can I get any hints on how I canbeat my wife like a Korean?

Married in Manhattan

First, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. The Korean went home to L.A. with the Korean Girlfriend. I am proud to say that the Korean Family went so mainstream that not only do have turkey, but we actually have the entire Thanksgiving meal catered. But onto the question.

Dear Married,

Why do Korean men beat their wives?

Because the Korean wives never listen. (Rimshot.)

Okay, let's try that again. Why do Korean men beat their wives?

If you ever visit Korea, you will be amazed at how everyone looks and dresses the same. There is simply no question that the Korean people are very sensitive to trends. Nothing makes a Korean more insecure than being different from others because, well, being different is the mark that says "Please kill me next time Korea is invaded." (See the post Koreans: More Homogenized than Milk for details.) A few years ago during winter, duffle coats became really popular in Korea, and EVERY woman wore a duffle coat, although it's a coat only meant for the lean and tall. Walking down the streets of Seoul, the Korean cracked up every minute looking at the bouncy sponge balls that occupied the city. It was like Futurama episode when the Earth was invaded by bouncy balls.

What the hell does this have to do with wife beating? Well, wife beating is a worldwide trend, and the trendy Koreans are simply following the trend. We in America have now moved onto thinking that wife beating is a cowardly shit that endows a social stigma a little weaker than racism and a little stronger than drunk driving. But it was not even 20 years ago when Battered Wife Syndrome was considered to be a hocus pocus. Social trends, like fashion trends, need to run their course, and Korea is coming around to accepting that wife beating is a cowardly shit as well.

But another question is, why are Korean men singled out as wife beaters? The Korean's hunch is that it's because Korean men are compared to Chinese and Japanese men. It is well-chronicled that Chinese men are traditionally their women's bitches. (Chinese men cook and everything!) Japanese men used to have some balls, but they were neutered in the process of getting rich. That only left Korean men to carry the torch in the region.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.