The most recent recipient of the Korean's rage is Mark Bittman, who presented this "Korean" recipe to the New York Times. Now, the Korean actually likes Mark Bittman's work, as Mr. Bittman presents great insights on food and food culture. Mr. Bittman also gave a clear disclaimer: "I will not (and cannot) claim that every element of this menu is legitimately Korean." And please, read the paragraph above just one more time -- the Korean is not a rational person when it comes to Korean food. He is a crazy raving lunatic. You don't have to listen to him.
Having said all that...
GO DIE IN A FIRE, MARK BITTMAN. Boston lettuce leaves for ssam? Why not eat sandpaper instead? And gochujang for ssam too? What are you, 10 years old? And who told you that there is such Korean food as "grilled scallion salad" and "Korean potato salad"? Where did you get your recipe from, David Chang?
And the greatest, most unforgivable sin of all -- soy sauce in kimchi. What the fuck. WHAT. THE. FUCK. The Korean nearly had a heart attack just reading that. Thanks asshole, soon all the trendy restaurants will serve soy sauce cabbage and call it kimchi (but pronouncing it "keem-shee".) Go to hell and die.
And the idiots who commented on the article about how gochujang (chili bean paste) is never made with beans, fuck you too. Gochujang is made with beans. Have you even seen a meju, dipshit? That's the fermented block of ground beans, from which doenjang, gochujang and ganjang are made. It also looks like your face -- ugly. Shut the fuck up if you don't know what you're talking about.
::::HYPERVENTILATING::::
Ok. Alright. Even amid this irrationality, the Korean still has enough sense to think: if you don't like something, don't just criticize -- offer an improved suggestion. So here are the Korean's suggested recipe for a real deal, backyard Korean barbecue.
The recipes, after the jump.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Here is the Korean's suggested Korean barbecue spread -- meat, a side dish, a nice chilled soup to wash it down, and a summery dessert.
L.A. Galbi [L.A. 갈비]
Ingredients
Beef short ribs, cut horizontally
Soy sauce
Sugar
Minced garlic
Sesame oil
Toasted sesame seeds
Grated onion
Scallions
Kiwi
Cooking
- Soak the short ribs in cold water for at least 30 minutes, up to 1.5 hour. This lets out the blood from the beef and allows for a better marinade. Keep changing water until no more blood comes out, then drain.
- Make the marinade. Pour a few cups of soy sauce in the bowl. Taste, and remember that baseline. Add sugar until the marinade becomes significantly sweet. (Usually achieved at around 1/4 part of sugar for every one part of soy sauce.) Add minced garlic, about half to 2/3 of the amount of sugar. Add grated onion, in approximately the same amount as the minced garlic. Add some measure of sesame oil, toasted sesame seeds and cut scallion, adjusting to taste. (Note: This marinade will take some trial and error, but each ingredient may be adjusted depending on personal taste. Just remember that the actual meat will be much less salty/sweet/etc. than the marinade.)
- Add grated kiwi to the marinade -- no more than 1/2 kiwi per pound of beef. Kiwi makes the beef soft, but too much kiwi ruins the texture.
- In a large bowl, put a layer of ribs. Use a spoon to apply the marinade, and add another layer of meat on top. Apply the marinade again, repeat. Marinade in the refrigerator between two to 24 hours.
- Grill, preferably on charcoal. Grill well-done, with slight char on the outside. Start with the meat on the bottom of the marinade bowl, as the liquid marinade sinks to the bottom.
- Note: the meat actually does not have to be the ribs, but that is the meat of choice for Korean Americans. The marinade works equally well with brisket or chicken, for example. In fact, as the name suggests, L.A. galbi is a distinctively Korean American dish, as Korean Americans popularized the use of short ribs instead of whole ribs as Koreans in Korea do.
Scallion Salad [파무침/파절이]
Ingredients
Scallion and/or Korean leek
Soy sauce
Sugar
Sesame oil
Toasted sesame seeds
Vinegar
Hot pepper powder (gochugaru)
Cooking
- Julienne the scallion and/or leek thinly and around two inches in length.
- Make the dressing. Two parts soy sauce, three parts vinegar, one part gochugaru, quarter part sugar. (Use a spoon to measure.) Just a splash of sesame oil and some toasted sesame seeds.
- Toss with the cut scallion/leek, serve with galbi.
Vegetable Wrap [쌈]
Ingredients
Red leaf lettuceSesame leaves
Garlic cloves, cut thinly.
Long hot green peppers, thinly cut diagonally
Ssamjang [쌈장] - buy it from a Korean market
L.A. Galbi
Scallion salad
Cooking/Eating
This is actually not a separate dish, but a manner of eating meat. Grab either a red leaf lettuce leaf or sesame leaf (or both layered together, as the Korean likes to do,) and place on top the meat, scallion salad, garlic cloves, cut peppers and ssamjang. The cut garlic gloves may be cooked on the grill also, if you prefer cooked garlic over raw ones. Make a small bowl with aluminum foil, place the cut garlic gloves and put it on top of the grill. Make a small wrap with the leaf. Eat.
Chilled Cucumber Soup [오이냉국]
Ingredients
Cucumber
Red pepper
Toasted sesame seeds
Sugar
Salt
Vinegar
Gochugaru
Soy sauce
Minced garlic
Cooking
- Chill cucumber in the refrigerator. Once chilled, julienne it thinly and around two inches in length. Place in a clear bowl.
- Using a spoon, add one part soy sauce, one-half part minced garlic, one-third part sugar. Toss with cucumber.
- Mix cold water with: one part sugar, five parts vinegar, half part salt. Adjust to taste. Go for tangy and slightly sweet.
- Pour the cold water mixture over cucumber.
- Float a dash of gochugaru and toasted sesame seeds. Thinly cut red pepper diagonally and add.
- Add ice and serve.
Chilled Watermelon Punch [수박화채]
Ingredients
Watermelon
Sugar
Salt
Cooking
- Cut a chilled watermelon in half.
- Using an ice cream scoop, hollow the half watermelon by making round balls of watermelon flesh. Save the watermelon balls in a separate dish.
- Use the knife to take out the remaining watermelon flesh until the half watermelon becomes a hollow bowl. Cut the bottom tip such that the shell can be used as a dish.
- Pour out the watermelon juice in a separate container.
- Puree or grate the leftover watermelon flesh and mix with the watermelon juice.
- Boil equal parts of water and sugar in a pot to make slightly viscous syrup. Chill the syrup.
- Add the watermelon balls in the hollow watermelon shell. Pour watermelon juice/puree mixture. Add the chilled syrup, adjusting to taste. Add a pinch of salt.
- Add ice to the mixture and serve.
- Note: a punch bowl works just as well as a half shell watermelon.
Enjoy, and let the Korean know how they turned out.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
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