Yellow Fever Sold Here

Dear Korean,

I'm a non-Korean woman who has been involved with a Korean man for quite a few years. Due to financial burdens suffered by his family, my beau will be living with his parents until he has helped them pay off their house. While his father has taken no issue with my ethnicity (and even seems rather enthusiastic about me), his mother refuses to acknowledge me. I'm unceasingly polite to her. I smile and bow and greet her with a single-semester's worth of Korean vocabulary whenever I pick her son up for a date, but alas, she sours at the sight of me. So my question is simple- what does a girl have to do to get a smile from an ajumma?

Regards,

Whitey Mcflighty

Dear Yellow Fever,

It's not just any ajumma (a lovely Korean word signifying generic middle-aged women; calling a young lady this is a good way to get your face slapped) you're talking about: it's a possible in-law. I don't care what you think about the marriage prospect of your beau, who must be an exceedingly handsome man as all Korean men are. Any woman who befriends her son is a son-thief in the eyes of a Korean mother, who will protect her son like Homer Simpson protects his last donut.

In fact, the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law conflict is so prevalent in Korea that Koreans have one word to describe it. (Pronounce it if you can, Whitey: Go-bu-gal-deung. Don't say it to your ajumma though. It would only piss her off more.) Historically, Korean sons live with their parents and bring the wives in. The wives naturally piss off their mothers-in-law because (1) they take away the attention of the sons and (2) being new to the kitchen, they make lousy cooks/servants.

Korean Americans make things more complicated because usually the first generation sacrificed everything (seriously) to make something out of their spawn, I mean sons. (Daughters too, to some extent, but they don't count as much.) The sons are the crown jewel of the family and they're not going to just anyone, especially not to some pasty hussy who looks like she will trip over herself trying to do jeol (a deep bow, on your knees.)

So are you doomed? Kinda. But take comfort in the fact that there are extremely few girlfriends/wives of Korean men who don't piss off their boyfriend's mother/mother-in-law. If you can handle it, try to be a good Korean woman and help your beau's mother out in the kitchen. Show your willingness to be a beast of burden. Try to include yourself in the family functions if at all possible. But again, no guarantees. The Korean Mother did all that and it only took her about 10 years before the Korean Grandmother was no longer mean to her. Took another 10 years for her to be nice. Brace yourself.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: The (Literally) Growing Race Problem in Korea

Ask a Korean! News will be different from any Korean news you can get from the U.S. It will pick up some news that Korean newspapers reported that the Korean thinks to be significant. Here is the first of the series.

I know all Asians look alike. They kinda do. But surely the most ignorant reader of this thing can probably tell the difference between East Asians (Korean, Japanese, Chinese), Southeast Asians (Vietnamese, Thai, Filipino) and South Asians (Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi). With that in mind, check the above picture of adorable Korean children.

"Wait, what?! Those three in the middle are clearly not Korean at all! Do you mock my Asian-differentiating skills, the Korean?" would be the reaction of... (surprise) Koreans who live in Korea. And there begins this discussion.

Korea has always been a homogeneous country, and race relation was never much of a problem since, well, you need two races to fight each other. (Not to say Koreans were a peaceful lot. Oh no. They fought amongst themselves for other stupid reasons, like being from the eastern regions versus the western ones. But that's for another day.) A few times when Korea ever had foreign races on the peninsula, those foreign races usually tried to take over the country. Hence Korean people have a strong xenophobic streak.

Fast forward to early 1990s. Korea is now fully industrialized, and has been pretty well off for quite some time. Most people have migrated to the city for jobs and excitement, and the rural areas have become emptier and emptier until only old people, their first born sons, and cattle are left. The firstborns can't leave the family farm, so they're stuck. Problem is, they gotta get married and continue the family line. But no Korean women in their right minds would stick around the farms. So what to do?

Enter: the time-honored tradition of mail-order brides! Fine ladies from modest backgrounds in Vietnam, Philippines, and Thailand, for about $2,000, are shipped out to Korea for the sole purpose of marrying these dudes, having fed the bullshit that farmers are among the highest-earning, most respected professions in Korea. More and more came each year until one-third of all married men in the rural area are married to a foreign-born woman, according to a recent report. Amazing, isn't it?

(True story: when traveling around rural parts of Korea, the Korean saw advertisement that proclaimed "You don't have to pay until you're satisfied!" So if the mail-orderer was not satisfied, he can ship the lady back! I wonder if it's like a computer software, where you can't return it anymore if you took off the shrinkwrap. Okay, that's just disgusting. Let's move on.)

The fuckedupness of this situation has many levels. Domestic violence is a big problem, and so is unilateral divorce or abandonment. Still another is what to do with the "Kosian" children. (Korean + Asian, the terms Koreans use nowadays, as if Koreans are not Asian!) Since the phenomenon of mail-order bride began about 15 years ago, there are now enough interracial children to make up as much as half of the children going to school.

I don't want even to imagine what these children would go through as they grow up. As bad as race relations is in America, it still is the best in the world. Unless Koreans do something to radically change their attitude toward foreignors and interracial people (unlikely), wide-scale race riots a la Los Angeles or Paris in about 20 years is a virtual certainty.

Our First Question!

Dear Korean,

why are Korean men such awesome pool players?

Jeff C., New York.



Jeff,

You submitted the first question ever to the Korean! A special prize (a jar of extra-aged kimchi) is on your way.

Korean men on average do excel at pool (but not the Korean, who is merely average.) And it's for the same reason why Chinese people excel at ping pong - it's a game where you can play in a limited space. Most Koreans in the U.S. are from Seoul, and Seoul is really a big fucking city, with about 20 million people in the metro area. The city is crowded and congested everywhere, and the forms of entertainment that don't require much space developed very well. (Starcraft at the nearest PC Bang, anyone?)

Speaking of pool, Korean people traditionally (and by "traditionally", I mean since 40 years ago or so, when Korea was modern enough to have any sort of organized entertainment,) play "straight carom billiard". Korean people probably won't understand you if you said "straight carom"; they would know it as "sa-gu", meaning "four balls." (Or Lance Armstrong times 4.) This involves having the aforementioned four balls on the table without any pocket, two red and two white (cue) balls. Each player owns each cue ball, and they get a point each time their cue ball makes contact with both of the red balls. But since about 15 years ago, 8-ball pocket pool became more popular, and a pool hall in Korea or K-town typically have both. Sa-gu is more difficult and sophisticated since it involves a lot of non-linear movement and projection of movement after impact. Plus it deals with bigger balls, which is the representation of what Korean men are all about.

Welcome to Ask A Korean!

Today is Saturday, October 21, 2006. And today will be the birthday of this blog, Ask A Korean. This blog is inspired by Ask A Mexican (take a sample: http://www.ocweekly.com/columns/ask-a-mexican/ask-a-mexican/25980/) written by Gustavo Arrellano for the OC Weekly.

In other words, I plan to answer any question you might have about the Korean people, both Korean American and Koreans in the old country. And by "any question", I mean ANY QUESTION. Ever had a question about why Korean women are so terrible in driving? Ask me. Ever wondered why Korean men beat their wives? Ask me. Ever wondered why your Korean parents would not take the plastic cover off their mattresses? Just ask me. No judgments, no screenings, and certainly no holds barred.

Send your emails to AskAKorean@hotmail.com. Looking forward to your comments!

-the Korean.