Meet the Koreans

Dear Korean,

How to make Korean parents warm to the idea of a white girl who wants to marry their only son?

Jessica


Dear Korean,

I am a Singaporean and I have been with my Korean boyfriend for 6 months. I am due to meet his parents next month. I speak no Korean and they speak no English. He has a sister who speaks English. I was wondering if I need to impress her. Are Korean mothers influenced much by what their daughters say? I am wondering what are the potential boo-boos I may commit and how deferential should I be to them? When my boyfriend was in Singapore, he was constantly bowing to my parents. No offense to be extra polite, but I am paranoid that I may come across as rude if I forget to bow or something. Moreover, how should I react at dinner? Can I speak? Can I eat before his parents do? Must I finish all the food? Am I expected to help set the table or clear the table? And how should I dress? Most importantly, what kinds of gifts are suitable for a first time meeting?

Clueless


Dear Korean,

I’m getting ready to pop the question to my girl, but want to make sure I do it correct in her families eyes, as well as hers. I am obviously not Korean, but am a white American. I’m in my late thirties, she in her early thirties, so you can just imagine the questions she is hearing from the family whenever she visits. She moved to the US on her own to go to graduate school, and her family soon followed. The rest of her family now lives on the opposite coast of us, so I haven't had the opportunity to meet her family yet. She is the oldest daughter, and would be the first to get married. Anything I should consider before popping the question that would be detrimental to our future if not done correctly? I have a Korean co-workers who could not get married because the families did not get along, and that scares the piss out of me....

레오


Dear Korean,

I am Swiss and engaged with a Korean girl. But her dad is very conservative and seems to be not happy with the fact that his daughter is going to get married with a non-Korean guy. So I am going to see him for the second time in two weeks, but this time he is going to ask me a lot of questions (my girlfriend said) and I have no idea what is he going to ask me and what is he excepting from me to answer!! Could you help me please? I really want to be in good term with her family as they are going part of my family soon.

Matthias


Dear Korean,

I am visiting Korea next month to visit my boyfriend and his family. What type of gifts should I bring his family? On the Internet, it suggests whisky/scotch for the father, a designer type handbag for mother. Any other ideas? I want to be respectful and make a good impression--do you have a list of 'taboos' -things to avoid, as well as things I should be sure to do in order to be accepted?

Janet


Dear Korean Fever Sufferers,

Boy, that’s a popular question. After all, the most popular question to this humble blog is about dating Koreans, so it should not be a surprise that the next step of dating is a popular topic as well.

What are Korean parents like? Again, the Korean urges all of you to not fixate on the parents’ Koreanness, but on the fact that they are parents. Parents worry about their children, and they care about with whom their children are spending the rest of their lives. Every parent in the world would be like this, except only in differing degrees. Some parents care deeply, and some not so much. Likewise, some Korean parents care deeply, and some not so much.

However, on average, you can expect Korean parents to be more protective about their children than American parents, for largely two reasons. First, Korean parents on average tend to invest more into their children. (Doesn’t placenta injection say it all?) So naturally there is more resistance when some random dude/hussy swoops in to snatch their children away. This is more the case if the child is the only child, or is wildly successful. (= doctors, lawyers, professors.) A lot of time and money went into raising that doctorlawyerIndianchief son/daughter.

Second, on the flip side, Korean children tend to be more dependent on their parents for longer period of time. In the U.S., there is (arguably) a clean break between high school and college through which young people step into adulthood. They go away for college or get a job. But since Korea has inadequate college tuition assistance/work study programs compared to the U.S., Korean students must rely on their parents for the college tuition. Also, because everything – people, good schools, good jobs – is concentrated in Seoul, there is no place for young people to go away to. Instead they usually live with their parents into mid-20s, only moving out when they get married. Therefore, marriage is often the first time the parents are separated from their children.

The protectiveness is compounded if a Korean child is marrying a non-Korean. Average Korean parent is concerned about their children being taken away when they are marrying another Korean. Imagine how they would feel when their children are marrying a non-Korean; they react like Martians are abducting their children. On top of that, many Koreans are racists, and generally hate everyone who is not Korean – particularly if darker. The prospect of having mongrel grandchildren (from a racist Korean’s perspective) is not very appealing either.

Herein lies the clue about what to do with Korean parents. All the taboos and do’s-and-don’t’s are secondary to this most paramount concern: you must convince the parents that their child is not going anywhere. Show your willingness to visit them often, and your willingness to do things the Korean way without challenging the parents’ authority. That includes learning basic Korean, eating all Korean food well, celebrating Korean holidays, vowing to teach children Korean language and culture, learning Korean etiquettes, and so on.

With that grand aim in mind, here are some basic pointers.

- Dress well. Collared shirt and slacks for men; wearing a suit and tie is not overdoing it. For women, very conservative dress - absolutely no pants or cleavage. Pretend you are going to meet the President and you would have it about right.

- Learn a lot of Korean. You have to be able to talk with the parents. Call them eomeonim (mother) and abeonim (father), as married people are supposed to consider in-law parents as their own.

- This may be too obvious, but the Korean has seen it happen: DO NOT CALL THEM BY THEIR NAMES. You NEVER address your elder/superior by their names – slapping them in the face would be less rude than that.

- Do not show any affection to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Any display of affection is considered crass; it’s definitely not something you do before your elders. Keep your significant other at an arm’s length without drifting away from him/her. Do not look at him/her, and definitely do not touch him/her. Try not to talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend unless absolutely necessary. Holding hands might be ok.

- This is slightly over the top, but it will impress the parents about the knowledge of Korean etiquette: do a deep bow (jeol) for them when you meet. (You can see the example here. Click the picture to make it move.) Deep bow is now rarely used in Korea other than special situations, but accepting two new people as your own parents count as such a situation.

- If you happen to sit on the floor instead of on a chair, kneel until you are told otherwise. This won’t be comfortable, but your comfort should be the last one of your concerns. By making yourself uncomfortable, you are signaling respect.

- Do not look elders in their eyes. Locking eyes is very rude. When you talk, keep your gaze slightly low. (As an aside, after more than a decade in the U.S., the Korean still cannot look people in their eyes when he talks. He stares at people’s mouths instead.)

- When eating, dare to eat the most exotic looking thing on the table. Finish your food, and look happy as you eat – if you don’t like Korean food, you have no chance.

- Do not touch anything on the table (including utensils) until the eldest person (usually the father) begins eating. Do not leave the table until the eldest person leaves. Say thank you before and after the meal.

- Learn to use chopsticks gracefully, not like a freakin' toddler.

- Listen a lot, speak little, agree always. Especially if you are a woman.

- If you are a man, drink. You are not a man if you do not drink. Pour drinks with two hands, and receive drinks with two hands. Never pour yourself. For your first sip, turn your head away as you drink.

- If you are a woman, help out in the kitchen. Help setting up and cleaning. Knowing how to cook Korean food is a plus. (Are these things sexist? You bet they are, but your aim is to please sexist people. Koreans are about 70 percent likely to be racist, but 95 percent likely to be sexist.)

- Bring gifts. Scotch is a great idea for fathers, and so is a designer bag for mothers, because generally things that are relatively cheap outside of Korea are good. Health products are good as well. But they do not have to be expensive – not at the first meeting anyway. Flowers would often suffice. Do not forget about grandparents or other relatives if they are in the picture.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Korean generally does not trust Wikipedia, contrary to the trend. Something like this is the reason why.

Under "South Korean Culture" entry of Wikipedia, these words are found:

"South Korea also has an alarmingly high plastic surgery rate. 76% of Korean women in their 20's and 30's have undergone plastic surgery. 25% of Korean mothers who have daughters between the ages of 12 and 16 suggested plastic surgery to their daughter according to Korean's "Pantheon of Fucked-Up Statistics""

Does that look familiar? Yes, those are the words from the Korean's post about plastic surgery. Something that is clearly meant as a joke now occupies a place in Wikipedia. (That is, the words "Pantheon of Fucked-up Statistics", not the numbers themselves. The numbers are legit.) If that is not fixed within a few days, the Korean will never look at Wikipedia again.

-EDIT 5/27/08- The threat worked, and the offending language was removed.

Ask A Korean! News: Placenta Injection?!

This Dong-A Ilbo article plainly shows the lengths of fuckedupness Korean people will go for the slightest edge in getting into a better college. The article is in Korean; translation follows.

Mysterious College Entrance Exam Injection Tempts Parents

"Studying is hard, isn't it? One shot will take care of the fatigue."

Exam re-taker [the Korean's note: it is common for Korean students to not enter college after high school right away, but study for a year to re-take the College Entrance Exam, held once a year] Mr. Yoon (19 years old, Seoul Gangnam-gu Gaepo-dong) [TKN: it is common for Korean newspapers to only write last name for the sake of anonymity] recently visited a gynecologist with his mother. His mother took him to the clinic, hearing from an exam-taker next door that there was an injection effective for relieving fatigue.

"Exam takers have a 'May slump', but after the shot I think I can concentrate better, although it could be just me," Mr. Yoon said. He added, "I have several friends who said they received injections from dermatologists, cosmetic surgeons, and other clinics."

As 2009 College Scholastic Aptitude Exam approaches in five months, there are increasing cases among parents in Seoul Gangnam area [TKN: read "wealthy"] having their children receive so-called "well-being injections", such as placenta injection [TKN: holy shit], garlic injection [TKN: what the fuck], licorice injection [TKN: licorice is actually a common ingredient in oriental medicine, but nonetheless, seriously?] which are said to lead to better conditions and increased focus.

* High-priced Injection Gains Popularity - They were initially popular among middle-aged women as "Health Injection" or "Anti-Aging Injection", but they are recently referred to as "Entrance Exam Injection", as words spread that they were effective in fatigue relief and illness prevention.

Placenta and licorice injection costs $50 a shot, and garlic injection fetches $100 a shot. Placenta injection is administered usually twice a week for ten weeks, totaling up to $1,000.

G Cosmetic Surgery Clinic [TKN: G is not the name, just an initial for the purpose of anonymity] in Seoul Gangnam-gu said "we have five, six students who come to receive these shots," adding "there are many cases right before midterm or final exam period."

Administrator at H Skin Clinic in Seoul Gangnam-gu Yeoksam-dong said "Parents choose injection therapy to supply nutrition for exam takers, who don't have a lot of time," and also said "the advantage is that they are fast-acting, because the healing substances are concentrated to multiple degrees."

Among wealthier students, there are cases in which they fly over to Japan in order to receive "Immune Cell Injection", which cancer patients use as a natural therapy. Mr. Han (47 years old, Seoul Seocho-gu Jamwon-dong) said "I heard from business partners in Japan that Korean students come to receive shots," and said "my son, who is senior in high school, is a bit sickly so I had him receive an injection in Japan last winter."

Because Immune Cell Injection takes two weeks to culture the cells taken from one's own blood, it requires two trips to Japan. Mr. Han spent roughly $5,000, including $3,000 medical cost, flight tickets and hotel.

* Experts Concerned about Dubious Benefit and Side Effects - Professor Ye, Sang-Gyu, of Seoul National University Pharmacology, said "it is said that only immune cells are separately selected and cultured in the process of creating immune cell therapy injection, but in the culturing process the immune cell may multiply into other types of cell, breaking the balancing of immune response." He also warned,"If the immune response is too strong, other disease that did not exist before may develop, such as allergy or asthma."

Professor Yoo, Joon-Hyeon, of Samsung Seoul Hospital Family Medicine, said "If placenta is turned into an injection without treating it for latent virus, it may cause viral infection," adding "There is no persuasive empirical data about the benefits of placenta, and it is a problem that people receive shots without checking the medicine's safety."

Official at Food and Drug Safety Administration advised "Because these injections are not approved for fatigue relief or immunization purposes, one should not trust exaggerated or false advertisement or unconfirmed rumors." [TKN: Um, then why aren't you banning them?]

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

If you would like to know what horrible costs wars incur, look no further than the mass graves in Korea, filled with thousands of Koreans who were killed by their own army during the Korean War.

Thank you Debbie K. for the tip.

Those Korean Beaners

Dear Korean,

Why do Koreans love coffee so much? I went to Korea as an exchange student couple of years and ago and was amazed at how much and often Koreans drink coffee. I'm not much of a coffee person and when I either declined or told people I didn't drink coffee, they looked at me as if I had told them that I had 15 toes!

Confused Within

Dear Confused,

The Korean does not drink coffee either – it hurts his stomach. So everything about coffee in this post is basically hearsay from Korean people who actually drink coffee.

Coffee was first introduced to Korea in early 20th century. There is record indicating that the last king/emperor of Joseon Dynasty had coffee at the Russian embassy. The general public started drinking coffee around 1920s, when coffee shops began to appear. But the popularity of coffee really took off after Korean War, when instant coffee in U.S. military ration came into Korean society.

Like you said, Koreans LOVE coffee. Many Koreans drink it after every meal, and in between meals. Compared to what Americans drink, the coffee that most Koreans prefer tastes watered down, with excessive amount of coffee creamer and sugar. Americans in Korea bitterly complain that Starbucks is the only place to get any decent coffee in Korea.

But why do Koreans like coffee so much? To be sure, it’s likely that people all over the world like coffee in general. The Korean is yet to find a country that categorically rejects coffee drinking. Rather, each country has its own preferred coffee flavor and rituals.

The Korean’s best guess – for which he has no empirical data to back up with – is that coffee fit nicely into Korean people’s eating habits. Korean people regularly drink tea while entertaining guests, so coffee would have been an easy replacement. Koreans also traditionally had soong-nyoong (water boiled in rice pot with scraps of rice left over – sounds unappetizing written that way, but absolutely delicious) after meals, so coffee easily replaces that as well.

More generally, soup is essential in Korean cuisine, and Korean people consistently crave hot, broth-y things. So sure enough, the preferred Korean coffee is weak and watery, just like soup broth.

Funny thing is that although the way Korean people enjoy coffee is nearly unlike any other in the world, Koreans regard their coffee-drinking habit as decidedly foreign. That is probably why you got funny looks from Koreans when you said you don’t drink coffee. Because how could it be – we are drinking American beverage, and someone from America does not drink coffee? Surely it is absurd, like a Korean who does not drink soju.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Are you a Korean American? Then take this official survey, and contribute to greater knowledge about who we are.

Thank you Jennifer K. for the link.

The Korean briefly touched upon Korean adultery laws in this post; now a New York Times article nicely lays out the legal battle that is raging on this issue.

People magazine did a feature on Rain, now of Speed Racer fame. Too bad they have the wrong guy's picture. All Asians look alike? You tell the Korean.

Do you ever wonder why people from other countries, even those who are supposed to be allies, hate America? Shit like this is one of the reasons.

Getting an American visa in Korea is a massive pain in the ass, and the Korean is positive that visa-processing alone makes Koreans hate America more than they otherwise would.

Happy Mother's Day for all the moms out there. As usual, the best reaction belongs to the Korean Father.

-Last Friday, on the phone-

The Korean: Dad, Sunday is Mother's Day.
Korean Father: Yeah, I know.
TK: Take mom out to a nice dinner or something.
KF: When is father's day?

So um, we will be celebrating Father's Day when it comes.

Interesting, and rare, post about race relations on Deadspin.

Becoming Korean Citizen

-EDIT 2/3/2010- Update on immigration law is available at this post. Please read both posts for complete information.

Dear Korean,

I am a white guy born a U.S. citizen. I know the mechanics of becoming a U.S. citizen. If I were to relocate to South Korea, what would I have to do to become a citizen? Is it even possible?

Flame away if you like, I enjoy your perspective.

Doug


Dear Doug,

The Korean can smell the stench of your intention behind the question all the way out in New York. But it’s a straight question, and the Korean will give a straight answer. Yes, it is possible for one to immigrate to Korea and obtain Korean citizenship, even though Korea is not known as a popular immigration destination.

There are largely three ways obtaining Korean citizenship: General naturalization, simplified naturalization, and special naturalization.

First, general naturalization. There are five requirements:

1. Maintain a legal address for five years in Korea
2. Must be an adult, according to Korean law (= 20 years old)
3. Must have clean and orderly behavior (= no criminals or those with communicable disease)
4. Must have the ability to support oneself, or must have other family members who can support the whole family (usually proven by a professional license, real estate deeds, or a bank account with at least $30,000)
5. Must have basic Korean language ability and knowledge about Korean culture (involves written test and an interview – the test is around fourth grade level.)

The only real difficulty in general naturalization is maintaining legal address in Korea for five years, because realistically, the only way to legally stay in Korea for five years is to have a job in Korea – one cannot maintain an address in Korea for five years with tourist visa. But compared to U.S. immigration law, the requirements are surprisingly lax. There is no quota for immigrants, or any requirements as to the type of jobs one may have. The person only has to legally live in Korea for five years.

Second, simplified naturalization. Since having legal address for five years is the most difficult part, certain people in the following can get around it. Namely:

1. If one of your parents was a Korean citizen. (Emphasis on “was”. It’s ok if your parent renounced Korean citizenship.)
2. If you were born in Korea, and one of your parents was born in Korea.
3. If you are an adult adoptee of a Korean citizen.

People under 1 through 3 only have to maintain legal address in Korea for three years. But there are more categories of people who can apply for simplified naturalization.

4. If your spouse is Korean, and maintained legal Korean address for two years while being married
5. If your spouse is Korean, and stayed married for three years, while maintaining legal Korean address for one year
6. If you could not meet the requirements of items 4 or 5 because the spouse died, went missing, or the marriage could not continue through no fault of the person, and you filled the years requirements without being married
7. If you could not meet the requirements of items 4 or 5, but is raising or will raise a minor child out of the marriage, and you filled the years requirement without being married.

Again, the Korean would say this is pretty generous compared to the U.S., especially items 2, 3, and 7.

Third, special naturalization. Every requirement under general naturalization, except “clean and orderly behavior”, is waived if:

1. One of your parents is Korean citizen. (Unless you are an adult adoptee.)
2. You contributed greatly to Korea, subject to the President’s approval.

So Doug, get your paperwork ready. Getting a job in Korea should be a breeze – the Korean hears there are a lot of teaching opportunities, even though you misspelled several words in your very short email.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

-EDIT: 5/11/2008- Doug emailed the Korean after seeing the post, and assured that there was no ill intention behind the question. So fellas, go easy on him.

-EDIT: 12/9/2008- This post is strictly based on what is publicly available through Korea Immigration Agency website. If you have a specific question about your status, please consult the KIA, Korean embassy/consulate (if you are not in Korea), or an immigration attorney.