Response to the Open Letter

Reader Eric N. sent the Korean this nice email. At first the Korean had to think about putting it up, since the readers of this blog are generally not Koreans who live in Korea (or even if they are, they are knowledgeable about this type of things.) But hey, Eric N. put in a lot of work writing this, and it had many good points. So here it is. Italics in parentheses are the Korean's comments.

Hello,

I enjoyed your latest posting regarding the way non-Asians treat Asian Americans. Your points helped me realize that white people say and a lot of stupid things around Asians. As a caucasian guy who has been living in Korea for over four years, I also have some requests for Korean people. I am sure you have considered some of these points in the past, but I thought you might appreciate them as someone who has lived in both Korea and the U.S.

- When you see a white person on the street, do not yell, "Hello!" or "Where areyou from?" at the top of your lungs. Koreans do not talk to other strangers onthe street, so there is no need to single out the foreigner to practice English with. (The Korean himself is totally guilty on this one, back when he was living in Korea.)

- When foreigners speak Korean, do not say, "Your Korean is so good!" even whenthe phrase being uttered by the person is ridiculously simple. (To be fair, Koreans just don't expect anyone to learn any Korean. And they could be talking about your pronunciation.)

- Do not discuss the purity or superiority of the Korean race. It comes acrossas ignorant, exclusionist, and racist. (No argument here.)

- Talking about foreigners in their presence is extremely rude. It is clear that white people have more body hair, different eye colors, and different bodyshapes from Koreans. It is best to wait until whitey has left before dissecting his appearance. (Shit-talking in the face of someone is so much fun. It's probably the best thing about knowing a relatively obscure language. But yeah, it's pretty damn annoying if you understand the shit-talking. Happened to the Korean many times whenever he traveled to a Spanish-speaking country.)

- Do not tell every foreign guy you see that he is handsome and resembles a movie star. I know we all look alike, but most of us are nowhere near ashandsome as Brad Pitt. (Does this really happen or did you just break your spine trying to pat yourself on the back?)

- Stop fetishizing Ivy League schools and the American upper class. Your children can still be successful if they don't get into Harvard. (Indeed. The Korean is doing just fine after going to a state school.)

- Stop the systematic exclusion of mixed ethnicity Koreans. Koreans only accept them after they are succussful (e.g. Hines Ward and Daniel Henny). Even then, it comes across as if they believe their success comes from the 'Korean blood'. (The Korean will devote a post on this topic later, but yes, it's pretty disgusting.)

- Do not use phrases such as, "Koreans are the in the world." Most of the time, these claims border on laughably ridiculous and can easily be debunked. (The most overused phrase like this is probably "Koreans are the most inventive people in the world", based on hangeul, metal press, etc. The Korean knows, however, that Koreans are the best drinkers in the world. No one can dispute that.)

- Stop ruining Western food under the guise of fusion cuisine. Whipped cream does not belong on baked potatoes and kimchi does not belong in spaghetti. Also, hamburgers are not steak. Furthermore, stop price gouging on so-called luxury drinks such as Starbucks coffee. A cup of coffee should not cost $6. (But how will people know it's from America unless it tastes weird and exorbitantly expensive?)

- Do not hold a spoon like a shovel. This is not preschool. (Frankly, the Korean does not understand this part. Korean people do this?)

- Stop wearing t-shirts with pictures of white kids in big sunglasses. A picture of an emo kid or a Paris Hilton wannabe printed on a cheap t-shirt is not good fashion. (That must be the latest fashion in Seoul. Thank god the Korean is not there, or he might have gouged his own eyes out.)

- On that note, what is the deal with the ridiculous number of Koreans wearing shirts with incoherent English phrases? Most of the time, these are simply annoying. In some cases, they are downright offensive. New rule: You must beable to read the English on a t-shirt before wearing it. With the amount of time and money Koreans spend on English education, this should not be a problem. (Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for saying this. Now, if only the Korean can enforce the same rule upon non-Asians and their t-shirts/tattoos...)

- It seems that Koreans like to emulate the worst garbage that comes out of American pop culture. Paris Hilton is not the ideal woman, Nsync and the Backstreet Boys are not where music ends, Levi's are not the best jeans, and 'The Butterfly Effect' and 'Step Up' are not good movies. It is easy to mistakenly assume that Koreans are superficial when their tastes appear to be shallow. (Eh, the Korean will disagree on this one. If Korean people like them, so be it. Spam is considered gross in most parts of America, but people in Hawaii accepted it to be great food and made fantastic dishes out of it. It's all in the eye of the beholder. If a sugarmama who gives out free ass is not the ideal woman, who is?)

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Open Letter to Non-Asian People

(Sorry about the unannounced absence, folks. The Korean hosted three little Korean Nephews from Colorado Springs for a whole week, and then the Korean visited the Korean Girlfriend at Aspen for a week. Hope all of you have enjoyed some nice vacation time.)

Dear Black, Hispanic, and White People:

My name is the Korean, the host of a popular blog of Ask A Korean! The Korean keeps the blog in order to edify non-Koreans, and more generally non-Asians. That means you. The Korean had been thinking that he was making good progress, but visiting a region in America mostly populated by you people made the Korean realize that more direct approach is necessary. Therefore, the Korean presents the behavioral guide of interacting with Asian Americans.

- When you meet an Asian person in America, listen to the person's English. If it's fluent, assume the person is American. Do not say "Oh, your English is so great!" unless you want a punch in the face.

- Do not ask "Where are you from?" to an Asian person unless you are reasonably certain that s/he is outside of his/her American hometown. If the Asian answers, say, "Los Angeles", do not follow up with "where are you originally from?" or "where are your parents from?" Our precise ethnicity is none of your fucking business. Do we ever ask you whether you are from Dominican Republic, Ireland, or Ivory Coast?

- Do not holler any Asian celebrity name at any Asian person. The Korean is 6'1", and plays basketball frequently. If the Korean hears one more "Yao Ming!" from one of you, he will shove a basketball up your ass.

- Do not say "gonnichiwa" to an Asian person in America, unless you are absolutely positive that the Asian person is a Japanese tourist, or you are a host/hostess of a Japanese restaurant greeting an Asian customer. (Although if you are a host/hostess, the proper greeting would be iratsaimashe.) There are relatively few Japansese Americans in America compared to Chinese or Korean Americans, so you are most likely wrong; and if you had been reading the blog, Korean people really don't like being mistaken for a Japanese. Chinese people are not all that different either.

- On second thought, don't say any Asian phrase to any Asian person, unless you are at least conversational in the language. It's the 21st century, people. We are no longer impressed by your amazing ability to say "hello".

- As a corollary, especially don't say any Asian phrase to an Asian American woman in the hopes of hooking up. Your schemes are as transparent as they are idiotic.

- While we are on the subject, although equal opportunity dating is to be encouraged, blatant yellow fever is disgusting. Nothing drives Asian women away faster than your submissive girl fetish. Plus, if you really think Asian women are domestic and submissive, you obviously haven't dated one.

- Let's change the subject a bit. Stop patronizing expensive Asian restaurants with shitty food and fancy decoration. (Way too many of them in New York.) You are just as stupid as the Russian people who wait in line for hours to eat at McDonald's. Recognize which Asian food is rightfully fancy, and which one simply has a fancy name and a $30 price tag.

(True story: The Korean went to this one chic Korean restaurant in SoHo, where they made every effort to make it seem trendy and, well, not Asian, down to 100 percent non-Asian waiting crew. We had barbecue, and one of the waiters offered the Korean a platter of "Seng Shew". It took about 10 seconds to realize that he pronounced "sangchoo", i.e. red leaf lettuce, as if he was reading French. The Korean broke a soju bottle on his head, and never returned.)

- Do not use chopsticks if you are going to make a fool of yourself and spray food all over the place. Use a fork. No one cares.

- On the other hand, if you are at a Thai restaurant and don't have chopsticks, do not act all high and mighty and ask for chopsticks. Thai people don't use chopsticks.

- On a broader topic, stop fetishizing Asian culture, like its movies and cartoons. Like everything else in the world, some Asian movies and cartoons are fantastic, and some are just plain shitty. As the Korean mentioned before, he cannot believe the number of people who liked Bicheonmu on imdb.com, which is generally considered the worst Korean movie of the decade, perhaps all-time, on the same level as Battlefield Earth.

- However, stop copying excellent Asian movies/TV shows, replacing Asian actors with white actors, and sell them in America as if you came up with that brilliant idea. Martin Scorsese, the makers of The Ring, The Grudge, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the Korean is looking at your direction.

- Do not make an Asian person around you a representative of his/her race. Do not ask questions like "Why are Korean girls so slutty?" or "Why are Chinese people so loud?" because the answers will be either wrong or incomplete. Do you know all there is to know about your heritage? Neither do we, for the most part.

- But if you must ask, send an email to askakorean@hotmail.com

p.s. Asian people, anything else that annoys you? Please email.

-ADDENDUM: 2:37 p.m. Sept. 11, 2007- One more thing the Korean thought of (because some idiot just pulled this): If you meet a Korean anywhere, never ask "North or South?" North Koreans have no freedom to travel outside of their country -- that's what it means to have a communist dictatorship. The only place that you will likely meet a North Korean is within North Korea; at that point, you wouldn't really have to ask. Everywhere else, all Koreans are South Koreans.