It's Hard Out Here for a Pimpin' Korean

Dear Korean,

I have met many Koreans who are originally from Korea, as well as many who were born in the United States. Why does it seem like the Koreans born in the United States are overwhelmingly likely to turn into hard-thuggin' gangsta wannabes, even if they grow up in nice neighborhoods?

Mike

Dear Mike,

Honestly, I met more hard-thuggin' gangsta wannabe white kids from nice neighborhoods than Koreans. But yes, I do agree that proportionally, there is a greater proportion of KA kids who thug out KP ("Korean Pride.") Why is that?

The currently going theory starts from the fact that one way for the mainstream society to weaken the minorities is to depict them as strange and dumb, or--to combine strange and dumb together--feminine. This phenomenon happened consistently with each of the minority races in the U.S. If you look at the Jim Crow arts from the early 20th century, you would notice that denigrating depiction of a black woman is pretty rare. Women are not really denigrated because, well, they're really never a threat. (So Rosa Parks was doubly upsetting to the racists. She's awesome.)

It's a very curious phenomenon that occurs even to this day: it's always, ALWAYS a minority woman who becomes the first one to appear in mainstream TV shows or movies. (Unfortunately, the first Korean woman was Margaret Cho. Not that I don't like her, but it would have been nicer if it were Yunjin Kim.) The Korean's favorite example: the "yellow" Power Ranger from 1994.

Of course black folks are the ones who had to endure this shit for the longest, so they were the first to come up with the solution to this: ridiculously crazy overcompensation! So they grab their biggest guns and their overrated testicles to show the world "we got some black MEN here, crackas!!" All the black rappers' lines about being killahs, soldiers, wariers, or backhand-slappin' pimps are basically this. And they made a fortune out of it! Black people are great.

What KAs (and all Asian American males, for that matter) suffer through is not all that different. Name me one, just fucking ONE unquestionably manly Asian actor that would make you go "damn, that's a real man who throws it DOWN and gets ALL the bitches!" (Note: as much as I love them, martial artists don't count. They really fall into that "strange" category among the strange, the dumb, or the feminine. This might have changed if Bruce Lee lived longer. What a tragedy.) As a Korean man, all you ever are on TV is some castrated male while your women are snapped up by honkies. Wouldn't that make you want to scream "thug life!" and empty the clip? Don't be lookin' fo' me, the Korean is out to get some guns. (Or a machine gun-firing sentry robot. See the post below.)

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Hellllll Yeahhhhhh

Samsung, the fantastic Korean electronics company that sells out-of-style cell phones to unwitting American buyers, developed a thing that can be described by no other word than AWESOME: a sentry robot that fires machine gun.

Koreans: More Homogenized Than Milk

(Note: This question has been edited for length. Yes, it was longer. MUCH longer.)

Dear Korean,

I'm Korean-American. Why do Koreans try to fix things even though it is not their decision? For example: I don't go to church and devout church-going Koreans would try to make me go despite my repeated statements that I do not believe in their religion and you should respect my set of beliefs. I don't play videogames, gamble, drink lots of alcohol, smoke cigs (I smoke cigars once in awhile), go to parties/raves, or have celebrity-obsession worshipping like a lot of Koreans and KAs I know. I prefer to do other things in life such as snowboard and shoot guns. Even if I'm planning an event like going on a road trip, Koreans crap their pants saying "you can't do that."

Koreans say the same thing when I do something supposedly amazing even though it's done so regularly by regular Americans. I bought a car, got insurance for it, and did the registration all by myself and a Korean guy asked me "wow, your parents bought you a car? that's cool." My response is "I bought it myself"and he doesn't believe me at all. Same responses for buying a gun, go skiing, go to a foreign country alone, cook for myself, live by myself, etc.

As a lifelong bachelor by choice, I'm subjected to numerous women trying to "fix me" that I should be married to a nice Korean woman to take care of me. Haha, sorry but yours truly doesn't believe in marriage, since I'm a firm believer in the marriage strike thanks to the ugly divorce laws and high divorce rates in the western world, including Japan and Korea. Women still try to get me into Korean girls even to a point I was infatuated with other foreign women and not Asians.

Any answers to this "korean drama/dilemna" and what I can do to minimalize the damage?

ColdHammer

Dear Mangchi ("hammer"),

How dare you think that your business is none of other people's business? As a Korean, you have no privacy. None. Zero. Give it up.

In all seriousness though, the Korean empathizes with you completely. At times the Korean is completely sick of those Korean tendencies to be EXTREMELY nosy. But first, take this to heart, because apprently you're from Idaho (edit: Nov. 16 6:25 p.m., sorry, apparently you're from upstate New York. As far as I'm concerned, if it's not LA or NYC, they're all about the same): I have met many Korean Americans whose views on Koreans were really skewed because they hail from the parts of America that don't have too many Koreans. Not only is there a sample size error, but the nosy tendencies of Koreans exponentially increase when they are in a small, confined space. You know how Hippos kill each other if they are captive in too small of a space? Koreans won't quite kill each other, but you would wish they would.

So why are Koreans so nosy and try to fix things? Blame it on their history. During the 4000 years of Korean history, only 10 percent of the time Korea was NOT under some sort of invasion, usually from China or Japan. Consequently, Koreans became extremely defensive to their ways of life; anyone who is different from the Korean way is probably looking to kill the men and steal the women. So be comforted that at least those nosy Koreans have good intentions. When they are invaded again, they want to make sure that you are not the one to kill. If you look like a Korean but act differently, it's confusing the hell out of other Koreans.

If you think what I'm saying is a bunch of gura ("lies", a Korean slang,) ask your nearby Jewish or Italian friends how nosy and meddling their people are. You'll be surprised how similar the experience is. People who are constantly under attack are all the same.

What can you do about it? Meet some Koreans who are not from your area. Once outside of small confines, there is a pretty good diversity among Koreans, especially in Los Angeles or New York. The Korean himself learned to ride a motorcycle, bought one, registered and insured it all by himself. The Korean also loves skiing, lives and cooks by himself, and has been to foreign countries by himself a number of times; many of the Korean's Korean friends have done the same. As to those nosy Koreans, do what every Korean secretly does: smile, nod, and make up excuses not to do things that they suggest.

So you don't drink a lot? Blasphemy! A box of soju is on the way to fix that problem.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Portrait of Mail-Order Brides

First, a call for help. The Korean is somewhat discouraged by the slow flow of questions. Send in questions! Tell your friends! Thank you so much :)

Remember in one of the last Ask A Korean! News that I would talk more about the mail-order brides? Well here it is. Below is some excerpt from the report by Presidential Advisory Committee on Correcting Wealth Gap and Discrminiation, titled "International Marriage Brokerage System: Field Study at Vietnam".

At 2004, 11.4 percent of all marriages in Korea were between a Korean and a non-Korean. The number is as high as 27 percent in rural areas. Vietnamese women are a major subject of such marriages between Korean men and foreign women.

Usually Korean men are flown out to Vietnam for as long as 7 days or as short as 3 days, during which meeting, wedding, and honeymoon all take place. Korean men meet as few as 20~30 women or as many as 200~300 women per meeting. Between 5 to 10 Vietnamese women file into a room, the Korean man picks one among them, and the process is repeated for second and third round until one is chosen. Only at the last stage the man learns the age, edcuation, home town, family members, occupation, height, weight of the woman; the woman learns the man's occupation, economic standing and marriage history.

One Korean man who went through the process said: "it was very difficult to choose one among so many women after seeing them just for a moment. I was so nervous and no one really stood out. I was so hesitating that the marriage broker just picked one for me."

From the woman's side, it is virtually impossible to reject the marriage since being chosen already entails stiff competition; if she ever rejects, the "brokers" disadvantage her by never arranging her to meet another man. She also has to risk false information from the man's side about his occupation, etc. One woman recounted being told that her husband was a machinist earning $2,000 a month, only to find out that he was a daily laborer at a construction site when she came to Korea.

It is illegal in Vietnam to broker marriage for profit. Therefore this entire process is done underground. Smaller operations have around 15~30 women, and larger ones have 60~100 women. The women who are recruited are mostly from the southern, rural parts of Vietnam and generally are 19 to 25 year old primary school graduates. All women live together in a dormitory run by the broker. The women are charged with the cost of the dormitory, to be paid by their future husbands. The meeting takes place the day after the Korean man arrives Vietnam; the women (again, as many as 300 of them) are transported very early morning to avoid police detection. However, if the police ever catches them, it is their individual responsibility to run as best as she can, since the broker will assume no responsibility.

Officially the whole process costs around $10,000 (the Korean said in the earlier post that the cost was around $2,000. The Korean apologizes to the disappointed prospective buyers) for a Korean man to take a Vietnamese woman. The Korean brokerage company takes $6,500 and the rest goes to the Vietnamese brokers. Usually the Korean man gives to the bride's parents $500 as a dowery. But after taking out brokerage fee and so on, the actual amount that goes to the parents is about $180.

It takes 2~3 months for the women to obtain the entry visa for Korea. During that time the women learn Korean language, cooking Korean food and Korean manners. The cost of those lessons are again charged on the women.

Once the Vietnamese women come to Korea, they often suffer from domestic violence and jealous husbands who fear that they would run away. One woman said "As soon as I arrived at Korea my husband took away my passport and choked me. I am so afraid of him." Another woman said "I was hit by my husband three days after I entered the country. He demanded sex after coming home drunk; when I refused, he hit me in the face, pulled my hair and spat on my face."

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Korean Men Will Drink Anything with Alcohol

Dear Korean,

Why do Korean men love scotch so much? Why not vodka or beer?

- Unsigned

Dear Anonymous Coward,

What you have to realize is that Korean men will drink piss and sewage water as long as there is alcohol in it. So that might be a clue as to why Koreans love scotch - because it's the only liquor they have.

Of course it's not true anymore, but back in the day (around 70s~80s), Korea had three kinds of liquor: scotch, soju, and beer. Soju is dirt cheap, and fucks you up fast (around 25% back in the day, now around 20~21% alcohol.) Beer is great, but it's expensive and doesn't get you drunk fast enough while making you feel full. So scotch is an alternative to soju really; you get fucked up quick, plus you feel like a big shot spending a lot of money. Vodka was not available in Korea because it would have had to come from Russia or other communist countries and, well, there are still many South Koreans who would love to torture you for information just for stepping a foot in Prague. (The Korean Father told the Korean before his European backpacking trip that the Korean should look out for communist kidnappers - true story.)

As an aside, this trajectory of loving scotch happened earlier in Japan as well. Johnny Walker made a fortunate by coming up with the new "labels" that are inordinately expensive without the attendant increase in quality. Johnny Blue is specifically tailored toward Asian consumers who really don't know any better - in the Korean's opinion, it is only marginally better than the Black. The Korean likes scotch, but prefers single malt. Lagavulin 16 years is the Korean's favorite.

(The picture came from a result of Google image search for: worst whiskey ever. Apparently it's a single malt produced from Goa, India. The link that talks about it is rather funny: http://www.celticmalts.com/journal-c4.htm)

Ask A Korean! News: Koreans, the Most Evolved Humans

The Korean has long been aware of his people's prowess in the gaming world, and its effects in preventing our handsome men getting laid. But, as it turns out, those brilliant Korean virgins were not taking themselves out of the gene pool; rather, they have been investing their time evolving themselves so that they make a lasting contribution to the said gene pool.

Too much old kimchi? Hear me out. National Geographic (as reported by Dong-A Ilbo) aired a documentary called World Cyber Games, in which they observed a pro gamer compared to a civilian. In playing a game, a civilian operated the keyboard/mouse roughly 100 times a minute. Mr. Seo Jihoon, the pro gamer, operated them around 370 times a minute.

(An aside: pro gamers in Korea earn as much as 200 million won, or $200,000 a year. You just feel richer being a Korean.)

Even better is the comparison of CT scan of the two people's brains. Look at the picture above first. The civilian only relies on the frontal lobe of his brain, whereas Mr. Seo uses his frontal lobe as well as his temporal lobe. Frontal lobe controls your vision; temporal lobe controls muscle memory and intuitions. In other words, Mr. Seo goes beyond his vision to play his games - he uses a whole other part of his brain! Amazing.

So next time when your Korean friend kicks your ass in Starcraft, don't be mad - you're just evolutionarily inferior. It's the natural way.